my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
