I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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