Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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