I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
