Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
