she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
