My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
