I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
