Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
