I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
