i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
