I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize