Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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