Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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