Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
