I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
