omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We need to get me chipped asap
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
