Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
