so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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