I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
