He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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