In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
