I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
