I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I think I am morally bankrupt
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
