I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize