My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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