I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
