Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
