Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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