im drinking this country out of the recession.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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