we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
