Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
