Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
