I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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