he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
