what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
