who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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