The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
