im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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