was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
