I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
