I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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