I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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