You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize