Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Randomize