i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
