Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
