If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize