sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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