the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
