So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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