im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I forgot how hot balto sounded
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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