I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
