Can i not drive my cunt home
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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