i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
