life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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