Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize